In exactly one year I will be officially old. Well, I may be old, but my memory is still in perfect shape.
I remember the dinosaurs. I had a baby Therizinosaur when I was a kid. With those long arms, he was great for hugging and for playing catch. But, that was 3500 years ago.
You should have heard how Noah was cursing the Big Contractor In The Sky! Too little time, too small budget. The pair of T.rexes we tried to catch for the Ark scared us shitless. The Brachiosaurs broke the loading ramp when they stepped on it. The clouds were already gathering and it was getting dark when Noah said “To hell with the darned stupid dinosaurs – let them die!” That’s how dinos went extinct.
The next 40 days were horrible. All those millions of insects were biting us, but one was not allowed to squash even the darned mosquito, as it was the only female alive! And they were biting all the time because we were sweating all the time. There were, believe it or not, no air-conditioners on the Ark as our CEO was such a cheapskate. We were trying to clean up all the dung all day long in that heat. Can you imagine how much shit is produced daily by a pair of every species on the planet? In the end, so much manure was thrown overboard we filled the whole ocean and made it dry out – that is how the Flood ended. Ararat is just a huge mound of fossilized cowpies.
Contrary to what most historians believe, Hammurabi did not invent the blogs. Certainly, there were not many bloggers at the time, and the line between newsgroups and blogs was still fuzzy. What Hammurabi did was give us the Law, particularly Godwin’s Law: whoever first mentions Nazis in a thread loses the argument and the thread is over. Punishment: 20 lashes and gouging out of the left eye.
Then a little later – I remember it was a Thursday because that was the visitation day at Socrates’ prison – I was sitting in one of those booths with a glass partition and a telephone, chatting to good ole’ Soc. It was the last day of his life. Before being led away at the end of the hour, he said: “Defend Ancient Greece – Defeat Bush!” Well, I’ve been trying for more than two millenia, but since Socrates died Democrats just have no spine….
Hannibal was so macho, wearing leather, swearing, pumping iron every day, but in reality, he was such a sissy. All those elephants must have been a compensation for SOMETHING… After all, he could have settled for an SUV, like Ceasar did…
Nero was a pretty cool guy, but only when he was sober, which was rare. He invented karaoke so he could legally sing out of tune. His singing was so bad, the Romans self-immolated themselves rather than to keep listening to him. The buildings caught fire because Nero, being a Republican, deregulated the construction industry, and the rest is history.
Galileo was getting a little tired of having to constantly deal with the Church bureaucrats, so he decided to move somewhere nice and tropical, like Florida. Well, his wife would not hear about it. She liked it just fine in Italy. One morning, I remember as if it was yesterday, I was sipping coffee at their house, when they started arguing over this again. “We are NOT moving! Not to the land of Jeb” said she. “Oh, yes we are, hon. You’re gonna love the Semiramis’ Hanging Chads, not to mention five hundred cable channels”, said Galileo. “Oh no, we are not moving. Period.” “Oh, yes, we are m….”. At this point she hit him over the head with a rolling-pin. Not yet in Florida, he did not have legal right to shoot her on the spot. He fell on the floor in front of me, looked up at me, winked and whispered “She’s moving” before passing out.
Darwin was a great friend of mine. He loved Linux. He used to say “Windows XP is a Creationist plot. What Unintelligent Design! They just won’t admit that open-source is the way the world works!” He tolerated my Mac only because of the names “Tiger” and “Panther”.
OK, OK, I’ll stop now. I know you are bored with my childhood stories. But remember never to trust those so-called “scientists”, and “experts” and “historians”. They always get everything wrong. I know, I was there and saw it all with my own eyes and no librul academic can prove it otherwise without seing it with his own eyes. I am telling you: evolution does not work. How do I know? Because I did not see it with my own eyes, and I was watching! Nothing ever changes. Not a little bit. Horrowitz was just as crazy 6000 years ago when he gave the apple to Adam and Eve as he is today.
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